How to rule the net in one easy lesson
- Stefan Sojka
- 27 May 2009
Remember Neo in The Matrix? Remember how he/you felt when he/you realised he/you were the one? Well, this is your ‘I know Kung Fu’ moment. You are the internet, and the internet is you. Your DNANA is the meme. You’re unique, just like everybody else. The web is engineered precisely to facilitate omnipresence. And every single singularity. You too could be out there giving pleasure to the masses just like the ‘Evolution of Dance’ dude.
Have geek, will travel
You will need your own personal nerd, on hand 24/7 to help out. The web, for all its point-and-click convenience, is a ridiculously complex environment. He/she will configure your server cloud, sync your mobile devices with your laptop and ensure your websites are cross-browser compatible, fluid, elastic and WC3 compliant.
Build an arsenal
Rule of thumb: gadgets that help you tell stories will make you more popular. Essentials include a full suite of digital design software, a high-def video camera for YouTubing and the like, a golden microphone for podcasting, some kind of tricked out smartphone with GPSPS/3G/etc for updating content anywhere, and a host of non-essential but attention-grabbing things like an electric car, a pocket laser projector and a DJ console, so you can spin at all your own launches and seminars.
Viral video
The best way to permeate cyberspace is by infecting it. I don’t care whether you wipe out on a skateboard or David Hassel-scoff a hamburger, what’s important is that the video is a calculated strategic element in your self-replicating pandemic.
Blog
Blog long. Blog often. With 112 million blogs, you do have to work hard. Strategy is everything. Post comments on the top 100 blogs with witty retorts and demoralising put downs, always linking back to your own blog. Link bait, troll and flame to your heart’s content. Once the momentum of all your other activities kicks in, your archived ramblings will resurface like the creature from the black lagoon.
Social butterfly
Two mantras: 1. ‘Add me’ and 2. ‘Thanks for the add’. Set targets, say 5000 per day, per site. Here is your starting point: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_social_networking_websites. Nurture every friendship, acknowledge everyone’s feelings and praise their every photo upload. This is your fan base. You are one of theirs. It’s a 200-million-way street. Drive it.
Establish your authority
Become an internet marketing genius. It’s time to share your knowledge. squidoo.com makes it easy to build a soapbox and begin proselytising. When you’ve posted enough material, go to lulu.com and self-publish your how-to book.
Life stream
Upload your entire life to the internet – and tag everything. Quantity, not quality. If you upload enough old photos, school reports and phone disconnection notices, you will come up on page one in Google for everything.
We live in a paradoxical universe. Ubiquity is singularity. If you are everywhere, you will be in one place – at the top! ‘X’ marks the spot and you have the X-factor. See you at the end (and on the cover) of Time.
